Written by Ana Barbosa and Fernanda Ortega
Self-compassion and accountability are often viewed as opposing forces, pulling us in different directions when faced with challenges or mistakes. Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, recognizing that we are humans and bound to make errors. On the other hand, accountability requires taking ownership of our actions, acknowledging the impact they have on ourselves and others, and striving to rectify any harm caused.
While these concepts may seem contradictory, they are actually complementary pillars of personal growth and development.
In this article, we will deep dive into these two concepts and share strategies on how to integrate them into our lives and decision making process.
About Compassion
“Compassion is fueled by understanding and accepting that we are all made of strength and struggle – no one is immune to pain or suffering. Compassion is not a practice of ‘better than’ or ‘I can fix you’ – it’s a practice based on the beauty and pain of shared humanity.” Brené Brown
Self compassion is not self pity. It’s not about ignoring mistakes or blaming others for something that went wrong.
The Harvard Business Review article Give Yourself a Break: The Power of Self-Compassion, shows that people with high levels of self-compassion demonstrate three behaviors:
- They are kind rather than judgmental about their own failures and mistakes;
- They recognize that failures are a shared human experience;
- They take a balanced approach to negative emotions when they stumble or fall short—they allow themselves to feel bad, but they don’t let negative emotions take over.
When people treat themselves with compassion, they are better able to arrive at realistic self-appraisals, which is the foundation for improvement. They are also more motivated to work on their weaknesses rather than think “What’s the point?” and to summon the grit required to enhance skills and change bad habits.
Self-compassion does more than help people recover from failure or setbacks. It also supports what Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford University, has called a “growth mindset.”
Dweck has documented the benefits of adopting a growth rather than “fixed” approach to performance, whether it be in launching a successful start-up, parenting, or running a marathon. People with a fixed mindset see personality traits and abilities, including their own, as set in stone. They believe that who we are today is essentially who we’ll be five years from now. People who have a growth mindset, in contrast, view personality traits and abilities as malleable. They see the potential for growth and thus are more likely to try to improve—to put in effort and practice and to stay positive and optimistic.
In recent research by Jia Wei Zhang, we discovered that self-compassion cultivates authenticity by minimizing negative thoughts and self-doubts. In an initial study, participants completed a short survey on a daily basis for one week. They were asked to rate their levels of self-compassion (“Today, I showed caring, understanding, and kindness toward myself”) and authenticity (“Today, I felt authentic and genuine in my interactions with others”) each day. On days when participants reported being more compassionate toward themselves relative to their average level, they also reported greater feelings of authenticity.
Fostering self-compassion is not complicated or difficult. It’s a skill that can be learned and enhanced. The checklist below can help you with the process:
- Am I being kind and understanding to myself?
- Do I acknowledge shortcomings and failure as experiences shared by everyone?
- Am I keeping my negative feelings in perspective?
If this doesn’t work, a simple “trick” can also help: Sit down and write yourself a letter in the third person, as if you were a friend or loved one. Many of us are better at being a good friend to other people than to ourselves, so this can help avoid spirals of defensiveness or self-flagellation.
Accountability
Taking ownership, and developing accountability is a learning process. It’s not enough to say, “I was wrong” or “I made a mistake.” This should always be followed with a lesson learned and a plan for improvement moving forward. In Dare to Lead, Brene Brown says accountability is one of the top 10 common issues leaders cite as problems in their organizations due to “too much shame and blame” and “not enough learning.” Instead, having honest, vulnerable conversations around owning issues helps people hold themselves and others accountable.
When practicing accountability, ask:
- What went wrong or what needs improvement?
- Why?
- How can this problem be avoided in the future?
- What is the action plan to solve the issue?
When moving forward, make sure behaviors, words or actions align with the developed plan. If they don’t, this is the time to hold one another accountable.
Integrating Self-Compassion and Accountability
We tend to confuse the idea of being good to ourselves with getting our way without facing the consequences. What does this look like in life?
Compassion involves defeating the idea of perfectionism. It’s about finding opportunity in mistakes and applying life’s lessons in the next experiment. It’s recognizing our humanity within our vulnerability and inconsistency. It’s about how we treat ourselves when things don’t go as we expect or when someone treats us differently than we anticipated. It’s the art of managing expectations.
Being accountable is the tangible response to congruence. When we don’t act as we say we will, it’s time to review and take responsibility for the promises we aren’t keeping, especially with ourselves. Now, the approach can be through anger, criticism, and self-destruction. Phrases like: “I never do anything right,” “I really can’t keep my word,” “Why even try if I never follow through,” or through self-justification and victimization, “I would keep my word if the other person did X or Y,” “I can’t do this because life is really tough on me.”
The compassionate way of holding ourselves accountable comes from how we talk to ourselves.
n addition, developing a growth mindset that embraces challenges, setbacks, and failures as opportunities for learning and growth can help us navigate the complexities of self-compassion and accountability with grace and resilience. By reframing our experiences as valuable lessons and sources of wisdom, we can cultivate a sense of empowerment, curiosity, and optimism that propels us forward on our journey toward personal transformation and fulfillment.
Call to Action: If you were your best friend, what advice would you give to yourself today?
Let us know your thoughts!
Ana Barbosa and Fernanda Ortega are entrepreneurs, career coaches, mothers, and passionate accountable women who are in the process of practicing self-compassion with more devotion.